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While Argentina and France tussled for the 2022 World Cup in Qatar’s Lusail Stadium on December 18, a different kind of match was taking place in Nepal’s political arena. The results of November’s provincial and federal elections were out, with Nepali Congress (NC) emerging as the largest party after winning 89 seats in the parliament.
The NC’s Sher Bahadur Deuba and CPN-Maoist’s Pushpa Kamal Dahal were competing to be the country’s next prime minister. On 19 December, Kantipur daily ran a cartoon by Abin Shrestha depicting this scuffle: Deuba stood at No1 on a winner’s podium holding a golden cup, reminiscent of Argentina’s win the night before in the World Cup, as K P Oli took second place, watching on with no sense of urgency. In contrast, Dahal leapt from third place, one hand outstretched towards the cup which Deuba caught close with trepidation.
The cartoon was a clever premonition. The coalition collapsed and on 25 December and the two estranged Communist parties, Maoist and UML, reunited for the next government in a repeat of the agreement Dahal and Oli made after the 2017 elections. Dahal was appointed prime minister for the third time this week.
This was not a prediction as it was an evaluation of Nepal’s political climate. Abin Shrestha reminds us that cartoons are not news but editorials or analyses, and a political cartoonist aware of the happenings in the country depicts what they understand and expect based on their studies and observations. But satire is the medium with which the message is conveyed.
“All I wanted to show in the cartoon was that Dahal, who came third in the election, wanted to be prime minister when Deuba’s party got first place,” Abin explains. “Practically, this is a little strange, isn’t it, &nbsp;as the winning party usually gets the position?”
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Abin, 50, started out as a cartoonist almost 30 years ago when he joined the Nepal Times daily in 1993. Today, his daily single column cartoons on Kantipur under गजब छ बा ! &nbsp;are widely recognisable, with their characteristic geometric political figures, sharp, witty one-liners, a daura-surwal clad silent man standing in for the ordinary citizens, and his unique signature. But it was not until he was 30 that he felt attuned to cartooning, later becoming the president of Cartoonist Club of Nepal form two terms, from 2014 - 2021, and reviving the almost-defunct group with regular programs and workshops for up-and-coming Nepali cartoonists.
“When I began, I was very young,” he recalls. “I did not fully understand the politics or the parties, did not know how Congress was or UML.” His editor would sit him down and explain to him the intrigues, the policies and the workings of Nepal’s politics, both external and internal. Based on these and the day’s happenings, Abin would then make his cartoons.
After the end of the Panchayat system 1990, the major political parties in the new multi-party democracy were NC and UML, and they had their own partisan media. “Congressi newspapers would criticise the UML ones, and vice versa,” says Abin. “And one could distinguish a newspaper’s party alignment based on its cartoon.”
But Abin did not want to contribute to the one-sided, partial satire. He would often switch papers to poke fun at the other parties. “But people would call me दूधचिउरे, an opportunist, rather than see that I was trying to be impartial in my art and my work,” he says.
“Democracy was freshly reinstated after the Panchayat rule, there was freedom of expression, and also new developments in printing technology.” Media was unshackled and there were new newspapers, which in turn gave more opportunities to cartoonists.
Read also:&nbsp;
<a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/from-the-nepali-press/cartoons-that-speak-1000-words/">Cartoons that speak 1,000 words</a>
<a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/here-now/nepali-cartoonists-poke-india-over-kalapani/">Nepali cartoonists poke India over Kalapani</a>, Kunda Dixit
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Before, cartoonists would often have to use pseudonyms to <a href="https://archive.nepalitimes.com/article/from-nepali-press/Honour,3914" target="_blank">keep their identity and work separate</a>. “Many veteran cartoonists who worked during the Panchayat-era recount how they would be startled to hear knocks at their door on the day their cartoon would be published,” he says.
This is not so much the case now. “Personally, I have not had to face censorship to that degree,” he adds. “There was a time, not too long ago, when party cadets – never the leaders themselves, mind you – would threateningly call or email me after a cartoon was out, telling me it was inappropriate. This has not happened in recent times.”
This, he attributes to the changing attitudes among people regarding the leaders and politicians. “No one considers them god-like anymore, incapable of any wrong,” Abin says. “And perhaps the audience has also got more mature, knows a thing or two about satire and humour.”
Even then, sometimes people will comment on social media, purposively chiding or bullying, but Abin does not engage with them. “As there is no point in trying to explain things to people who already understand them but pretend not to,” he says.
However, this does not mean a cartoonist does not listen to the public at all. “A cartoon is not just a picture but a form of journalism as well, and there is always a sense of duty and responsibility to being a cartoonist,” he adds. “In the name of creative freedom, one cannot go around chastising any particular gender, religion, ethnicity or class. There needs to be discipline.”
A cartoonist, Abin emphasises, observes, analyses and expresses a society’s climate and temperature. And perhaps for this reason alone, most cartoons are political in nature. “Especially in Nepal’s case, if one digs deeper, one finds that issues of education, health, and society are intrinsically tied to politics,” says he. “As such, it is difficult to not be political in our cartoons.”
Read also: <a href="https://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=12051#.Y7jX9exBz9E">Toons take on tyrants</a>
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There are sometimes complaints too, that his cartoons almost exclusively depict frustrations and society’s negative aspects, but Abin reminds that his works are forms of satire after all. Satire, he explains, aims to shame or expose the vices, follies or &nbsp;shortcomings of individuals, corporations, governments and society to ridicule. There is humour involved but not always, and the intention is to improve, as a form of social criticism. “And good things, events don’t need to be satirised at all,” he adds.
This has so far been the trend of cartoons in Nepal. Single-column gag cartoons or wider editorial ones lampoon the government’s deficiency and detachment from the general public, issues of corruption and elections. In 2022, Abin’s cartoons reflected the waves of hope that Nepali felt with the two elections in May and November, and were sharply critical when the elected leaders did not deliver as promised.
“There are new, younger people elected now, hinting at a touch of freshness,” Abin says. This also means newer characters to draw and newer expectations to express. “As a cartoonist, I hope that we also get to draw our cartoons differently this time, breaking the same tired tropes of the same people in power,” he adds. “Otherwise what is new, even?”
Read also:&nbsp;
<a href="https://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=2894#.Y7jX7OxBz9E">A cartoon is worth a thousand words</a>, Sajive Mishra
<a href="https://archive.nepalitimes.com/news.php?id=6017#.Y7jX8exBz9E">Caricature of justice</a>, Yubaraj Ghimire

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"Not every cartoon is humorous"

Indeed, it will be a huge relief to us who have been driven up the wall by Kathmandu’s anarchic traffic not to have to do the actual driving ourselves anymore. However, the robotic cars with artificial intelligence will need a steep learning curve to be able to take on everything that Kathmandu’s streets have to offer.
We have to recognise, however, that these autonomous autos are programmed for western civilisation, and may have to be reformatted and rebooted to adapt to our road culture.
For example, a driverless car may have been instructed by its maker never to honk. Well, in Nepal, honking is an important part of the precaution we have to take for road safety to make ourselves seen and heard. Traffic Police tried to enforce the no-honking rule once, but gave up when vehicles started bumping into each other. The Almighty in his/her/its/their infinite wisdom equipped cars with horns, and we should follow the polite instruction at the back of trucks to ‘Horn Please’.
The driverless car can be fined Rs6,000 and/or face a 6 month jail sentence if it fails to honk unnecessarily at Baneswor intersection — unless, of course, the robot driver can be programmed to offer a bribe to the office on duty there.
Everywhere else in the world, driverless cars automatically slow down at zebra crossings in order to let pedestrians cross. We can do away with this feature in Kathmandu because (a) the zebras are not there anymore since the white paint is gone, and (b) drivers in Nepal are not longer required to stop at non-existent zebra crossings and it is the robotic car’s responsibility to accelerate and beat pedestrians trying to illegally cross the road before they get to the other side.
Similarly, the straight yellow centreline is just a suggestion, and the smart car has to learn to also drive on the right side of the road, even if it is the wrong side.
Machine-learning and AI will help self-driving cars to deal with street fauna that roam Kathmandu’s streets. Driverless vehicles will find out the hard way that the oxen at Chabahil interaction serve as bovine traffic islands in order to ensure the smooth flow of traffic. Do NOT try to run them down because the computer driving the car can face life imprisonment.
The introduction of driverless vehicles in Nepal will coincide with Google Maps introducing information on traffic jams. This is helpful, but the auto auto will have to relearn the rules governing the only working traffic light in Kathmandu. GREEN means: FAST; AMBER means FASTER; and RED means FASTEST.
Even though an autonomous vehicle does not have a driver, rules are rules and the car will have to pass a driving test at Putali Sadak. The trick is to fail the test because following the rules is dangerous when no one else is following them.
It is also important for the non-driver to learn that in the city a blinking right side light means the vehicle in question &nbsp;is thinking of turning right but isn't sure, it could be left. On highways: blinking the right signal means the car behind can overtake even if there is a hairpin bend ahead.
While stationary, a right sidelight means I am illegally parked in a no-parking zone, but I'm pretending I'm not parked, just gone in for a takeout from Kalinchok Sekuwa Corner and Bar.

The Ass

Self-driving in Kathmandu

<img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/2022120710128/639058969c7e80680e0ce1aejpeg.jpg" alt="" width="1250" height="965"/>Don’t be an ass. Get out and vote, even if it is for a serial politician who has been given the chance to ruin this country several times over for the past 25 years. After all, we have to prove the astrologers right and have PM Dubya back on the saddle for his sixth innings.So, stamp your swastika on the Star of David, hammer and sickle, rhinoceros or umbrella. These election symbols were designed for a  time when Nepalis could not read or write, and the Erection Commission  believes that Nepalis are still functionally illiterate.Election symbols are meant for people so they don't vote for the wrong party. The Commgress has a Hammer, or Sickle, or both. And just to be different, the Congmunists have kept the Tree, which has been the NC's symbol since BP's election in 1959. But it may be time to change it to a Cactus.The most recognisable election symbols have been monopolised by the 5-Party Cartel, so the Sun, Moon, Tree, Cow are taken. Smaller parties have had to make-do with the Ox, Water Buffalo, Yak and Uncastrated He-goat. But there just are not enough symbols to go around for the plethora of parties in the fray.And this is where The Ass, in the national interest, springs to the rescue. Our ballot papers should enlarge the pool of election symbols reflecting the country’s flora, fauna and sauna, and the Nepali love for biodiversity and diversity visas.We should be inclusive and not discriminate against certain species. Political parties must set an example by inducting the Scorpion. And if a Yak is ok, why not a Yeti? (See Virtual Reality ballot paper above)Various spheres of national life can also be represented on the ballot paper. Since corruption plays such an important role in lubricating Nepal’s political mechanisms, the Cash symbol will be up for grabs for the party that offers the biggest bribe for it. The party that waged an underground armed struggle for ten years can fall back on the pressure cooker bomb.Memorise these symbols. It will determine Nepal’s future. May the best Jack Ass win.Read Also:<a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/election-dos-and-donts/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"> Elections dos and don'ts</a>, The Ass

Symbolic elections

<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/2022111414110/63723c539c7e80680e0c9613jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="1500" height="1000"/><figcaption></figcaption></figure>Many of you pulled me aside at a recent diplomatic soirée to ask if it is a coincidence that on the week that Pushpa Kamal Dahal (Prachanda) announced his candidacy for elections from Gorkha district, the Indian Air Force also unveiled its brand new Light Combat Helicopter ‘Prachand’. My answer to all of you has been a decisive and definitive: “Umm. Maybe.”There is a precedent for the Indians naming their flying machines after Nepali objects. In the 1960s Air India's Boeing 707s were named after Himalayan mountains like Nanda Devi, Kamet and Trishul. But soon, they ran out of mountains and christened the rest of the 707s after peaks in Nepal: Lhotse, Gauri Shankar, Dhaulagiri, Makalu, Everest and Annapurna.We don’t know if MoFA at the time issued a note verbale (Latin: Diplomatic aide-mémoire filled with expletives) but we suppose not, since there are no historical records of a war breaking out between the two countries at that time.While naming its new indigenously designed chopper, the Indian Air Force did not, strictly speaking, infringe on the Maoist Supremo’s intellectual property because it cleverly dropped the ‘a’ from Prachanda.But it obviously wanted to piggy-back on the formidable, fearsome reputation of The Fierce One. They may also have felt ownership of the name ‘Prachanda’ since they had given Comrade Awesome a safe house in Noida for most of the war years.Be that as it may, this is an opportune moment for MoFA to fire off another note verbale in a generally southerly direction to show that we will not take this blatant plagiarism lying down. We will take it straight in the chin.It also means no one is safe anymore. The nom de guerre of other Nepali guerrilla commanders could similarly be purloined by DRDO.Comrade Ram Bahadur Thapa must be extra vigilant, since his war name, Badal, could be the next to be taken to name India's new ICBM.The name Prachand is quite appropriate for the IAF’s new LCH since, like the protagonist it is named after, the new attack helicopter has a rotor that makes revolutions. It has stealth properties with reduced visual, aural, radar and infrared signatures, which means it can conceal its true intentions, be anywhere and everywhere at the same time, and it is armed to the teeth with misguided missiles.If the Indian military has hit a writer’s block with nomenclature for its future arsenal, Nepal, could unilaterally offer the following names as a gesture of goodwill for India's new weapons systems:Indian Army’s new Main Battle Tank: BalenIndian Air Force’s new Combat Drone: LaldhojIndian Navy’s new Submarine: INS Arzoo

Ass s

Nepalis in India’s arsenal

<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221114131156/63723b799c7e80680e0c95c1jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="4096" height="2353"/><figcaption>Photo: MONIKA DEUPALA</figcaption></figure>The Ass has been reminded that this paper takes a break over Dasain, and we skip one issue next week. Yay! Also, there is a full page nude on the back page. Double Yay! But the editor tells me I still have to submit my weekly column. Nay!It is therefore incumbent upon yours truly to circulate this strong internal memo against the media typhoon who owns this paper who sold his soul to Mammon, sacrificing the donkey’s designated Backside place and squeezing the Ass into this obscure inside section.I will therefore not beat around the burning bush indulging in frivolous chitchat, supposedly witty repartees, idle banter, lame puns, below the belt innuendos about the Prime Minister, ridiculing the President’s taste in upholstery from the Ministry of Interior Decoration, or muttering allegedly hilarious asides about the posterior body parts of some prominent members of the Council of Ministers.No, today we shall tackle deadly serious national issues so that we can roll our loins and gird up our sleeves to ensure that Fedex Elections are held as scheduled in November. We should doubly redouble our efforts to protect the Constitution (the world’s best, in fact) that ensures politicians of all hues and cries have equal rights in our democracy to pillage and plunder.We now break our usual programming for this important grabberment announcement:Hear ye, her ye! It is hereby notified to all concerned that this year’s Dasain festival has been postponed until further notice because of the need for belt-tightening during these tumultuous times.All concerned should watch this space for new Dasain dates, but it will most probably be next April, when it will be held in conjunction with New Year 2080 in order to reduce Nepal’s petroleum import bill and the country’s carbon footprint.There will also be a moratorium on mountain goat imports from Tibet till next April because of our balance of trade deficit with China. Water buffalos have also been included in the list of ‘luxury items’ together with iPhone 14s, Old Monk Rum, and Odomos mosquito repellent creams, that are currently restricted for import to save Indian currency reserves from further depletion.Mountain goats and buffaloes will therefore be allowed to carry on with their daily lives until such time as they may again be required to be decapitated in the epic struggle of good against evil next April. For further information, contact the Dept of Humanitarian Sacrifices.Despite austerity, MPs in the prorogued Parliament who knew their days were numbered voted themselves fat Dasain bonuses. Former Chief Justices, Ministers, and Reps in the August House had till end-August to award themselves posthumous pensions so they can keep on enjoying legislative perks, and official cars in their afterlife.As you may have heard, Prime Minister Dubya has decided to give election tickets to Baddie candidates recommended by Comrade Awesome rather than to dissidents within his own party who could challenge The Foremost Lady in future. These tickets are so sought after that they are being sold in the black market, or so I am told.

Dasain is postponed

<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221114131144/637238889c7e80680e0c738fjpeg.jpg" alt="" width="2048" height="1366"/><figcaption>Photo: Amit Machamasi/NT Archive</figcaption></figure>As Nepalis, we value our relationship with the international community so much that we are willing to sacrifice time, fossil fuel, and our mental health when a foreign guest visits Kathmandu. In fact, you can gauge the pecking order of a Visiting Very Very Important Person (VVVIP) by the number of hours that traffic is gridlocked at Mandala.The rule of thumb is that if the Speaker of the Mongolian Parliament decides to visit Nepal, traffic will be stopped for only 12 minutes. But if it is a Very, Very, Very, Very Impertinent Person (VVVVIP) like the one we had this week, then anything less than three hours would be an insult to our guest.Being a card-carrying member of the Much-Maligned Movement, Nepal adheres strictly to the doctrine of equidistance between our southern and northern neighbours. This means that if we held up all traffic cumulatively for a total of 7 hrs inside the Ringworm Road for a visiting Indian VVVVIP, then we cannot block traffic for any less time than that for a Chinese VVVVIP.As the founding great-grandfather of the nation, Prithvi Narayan Shah, put it so eloquently in 1776: “Nepal is a chewing gum stuck between elevator doors.” Having such large neighbours with such fragile egos means that we need to torture Kathmandu’s commuters for exactly the same duration for the Chinese as we do for the Indians. Otherwise they could take offence, triggering a major diplomatic incident, and geopolitically we cannot risk that at such a sensitive time in our history and geography.And it is not just on the streets, Nepali air space also has to be closed as a mark of respect for the arrival and departure of distinguished visitors. There are NOTAMs for all flights when there are incoming Very Important Projectiles (VIPs). This is an important precaution, since we do not want any untoward incident like a mid-air collision with a UFO.Nepalis are familiar with these stoppages from the time the king and queen travelled anywhere during the monarchy days, so it does not bother us one bit. Which is why VVVVIPs should take it as a badge of honour that we treat them like the royalty we deposed.As a survivor of a three-hour traffic jam at Tin Kuney on Tuesday, The Ass has some advice for the next time Nepal decides to invite another Very, Very, Very, Very Impotent Person (VVVVIP) as a state guest:<ol><li>Follow the Boy Scout motto: “Be Prepared”. Pack breakfast, lunch and dinner in your car trunk since there is a fat chance you will be stuck all day at Koteswor.</li> 	<li>Make sure you have a travel pillow so you can take cat naps on your motorcycle.</li> 	<li>Don’t forget your blood pressure medicine, and a handful of Valium pills may be a good idea.</li> 	<li>If you see a high velocity VVVVIP convoy approaching at Baneswor intersection, speed up and race the motorcycle outriders to Shitall Nibas.</li> 	<li>If the convoy is too fast, pull over and greet the VVVVIP with a Boy Scout middle finger salute.</li></ol>Read Also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/exit-visas-for-nepalis/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Exit visas for Nepalis,</a> The Ass

VVVVIPs

Nepalis are the most experienced people when it comes to having their visa applications rejected. Except for São Tomé and Príncipe and India, we need a visa stamp for just about every country in the known Universe.Still, this hardly deters Nepalis from migrating abroad in droves. This has become such a serious problem that to stem the outflow, the Growlment of Nepal has come up with a clever plan. Nepalis will henceforth need exit visas to leave the country. This is so that they can stay home and defend the country from foreign invasion.For most of modern history, Nepal kept out expansionist neighbours with our dreaded Mozzie Army. Our heroic malaria-carrying female anopheles were the true bravehearts, risking lives and limbs to inject East India Company Sepoys with the Plasmodium falciparum parasite.We should erect enormous concrete statues of the insects at all major intersections along the East-West Highway to honour them.Read Also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/un-resident-nepalis/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Un-resident Nepalis</a>, The AssIt is because of the Mosquito Militia’s supreme sacrifice that Nepal was never colonised by aliens. But since the eradication of malaria in the Tarai, we have no forward line of defence, and need to find new strategic depth.Fortunately, the Nepal Army’s clandestine Bio Warfare Drone Division has lately deployed genetically-modified Aedes aegypti to inject dengue on all suspected fifth columnists in society.They augment bio-engineered Vibrio cholerae and Giardia lamblia which have successfully blown up the gastro-intestinal tubes of Nepal’s sworn enemies.The two bacteria have already foiled a tourist invasion of Nepal. Covertly infiltrated into the endoplastic reticulum, the germs wreak havoc on the digestive tract of potential conquerors and make them think twice about re-entering Nepal’s Toilet-Free Buffer Zone.Advances in genetic engineering means these microorganisms can be cloned to keep Nepal’s native population safe from weapons of ass destruction.Last week, the Minister for Tourism, Uncivil Aviation and Vermiculture bravely defended Nepal’s honour from a security guard while being finger-printed for a Canadian visa. His message was loud and clear: a Nepali will not take such insults lying down anymore, we will take it standing up with our hands outstretched. Our national slogan henceforth will be ‘Canada, Go Home! And Take Us With You On Junkets!’The visa fracas exposed another insult to Nepal’s sovereignty: Nepali passports have to go to Delhi to be stamped. As a self-respecting oldest nation state in South Asia that was never colonised, we should retaliate.The Department of Irritation would cancel visas on arrival and require Canadians to get their Nepali visas from Honduras. Australians will have to apply in Tonga, and Italians will have to go to the Nepal Embassy in Addis. What’s that? Nepal does not have an embassy in Addis? Good point. Serves the Italians right. And the French who want to travel to Nepal should apply in São Tomé and Príncipe.Read Also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/off-road-signs/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Off-road signs</a>, The Ass

Exit visas for Nepalis

Despite where the Gender Inequality Index may rank Nepal, this country is taking rapid strides to achieve equality among men, women, and others.No sooner had we marked Guy Jatra, a day dedicated to they/them/theirs, than Nepalis are busy preparing to go overbored to mark Tij, a festival dedicated to those of the female persuasion no matter which personal or collective pronoun they use to identify themselves, and when.Women from all walks of life will walk the talk on Tuesday by undertaking 24-hour relay hunger strikes at major city intersections to wish their present or future hubbies health, wealth and tickets to stand in the forthcoming federal and provincial elections.This just goes to prove that femaledom in this country is now 100% emancipated, and we are far ahead of even Scandinavian countries. Whereas Finland is about to ditch a prime minister just because she was caught inflagrante dancing  at a party, Nepali women are twerking left right and centre on TikTok to demonstrate that, as far as they are concerned, there are no if’s and butt’s when it comes to the fair sex.Tij is a celebration of women’s empowerment. Female members of the species are essentially saying that they command so much control over their male counterparts that they have their respective husbands by their gonads, and can make or break their destiny at the drop of a hat.Let say, for sake of argument, that a wife refuses to undertake a Tij fast for the material wellbeing and longevity of her spouse. The guy is done for. He is screwed. By not fasting, Mrs Wife has put such a voodoo spell that Mr Hubby Boy will likely lose his entire life saving in a Ponzo scheme, and he is sure to catch dengue on the weekend. In no other country, not even Finland, do women hold so much power over their menfolk as they do here in Nepal.Whereas Guy Jatra was a festival when some of us macho men got temporary license to make complete he-asses of ourselves by behaving like we always do on any other day of the year, Tij is a festival where women can get their annual chance to amass even more power just by bingeing and then not eating for a day.So, this Tij women will go on hunger strike as they have for millennia so that their husbands will be forever indebted to them. And those women who, for whatever technical reason, do not wish their current spouses to live to be 100, can easily stop at the Himalaya Bhojanalaya (free basement parking available) and gorge themselves on buff momos.What all this means is that being total dorks anyway, men will be left further and further behind in terms of their status in society. But what is going to happen to broad-minded men who are holding up half the sky? (Ok, ok one-third.) Us he-asses will be left high and dry and out in the wilderness.Should we guys be getting worried? You bet. And what should we gentlemen be doing about it? Here, Mao Zedong’s dictum comes handy (and I paraphrase): “Offensiveness is the best form of defence.” Which means us comrades have to behave even more like jerks than we already do. We will protect the bastions of our manhood from female encroachment till the last hombre is left standing.So, let this be a warning: we are not going to sit idly by while women outscore us in Lok Sewa Exams, and take away our jobs. This Tij, we will launch a counter-offensive by being even better househusbands than our housewives.

Twerking at Tij

<figure><img src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221114131112/637230a19c7e80680e0c2578jpeg.jpg" alt="" width="1500" height="1000"/><figcaption></figcaption></figure>During the Panchayat, Nepal’s absolute rulers promised to lift the country to ‘Asian Standards’. What they forgot to spell out was whether they meant the GDP per capita of Afghans or Singaporeans.After the rustication of democracy, a prime minister who shall remain nameless promised to turn Nepal into Singapore. The PM must be congratulated for overshooting his target. Nepal’s average per capita income is now three times higher than Singhapur (population: 738) in Udaypur district.Now, if anyone can turn Kathmandu into a ‘fine’ city like Singapore, it will be Mayor Balen.Having once had to nearly pay a fine for trying to hide a glob of chewing gum under a bench on Orchard Road (SG$500 for chewing contraband and SG$1,000 for littering, making a total of SG$1,500 plus 10% GST), The Ass has on all subsequent trips to the Pearl of the Orient made it a point to look out for any hidden CCTV cameras before committing a similar heinous crime. And, I'm proud to say, I've never since been caught.The other thing hygiene-challenged Nepalis heading to the City State must peruse is the Singapore government's booklet: ‘Rules and Regulations for Those Attending To Calls of Nature in Our Fine City’.I have no idea how the Singaporean authorities ever find out people who have not flushed toilets, but they can present evidence of perpetrators of this felony and slap SG$100 fines. Not to put too fine a point on it, but keeping our collective asses clean is, in hindsight, a sign of civilisational progress. If we are serious about one day being filthy crazy rich Asians, too, we need to give sanitation a bottoms-up priority.Mayor Balen is off to a glorious start: he is emulating the Singapore model by instituting stiff fines for all major and minor misdemeanours, and turning Kathmandu into a penal colony.Let’s be realistic, though, do we have enough CCTV cameras in working order at the Ministry of Finance to check if any unauthorised person is sneaking in to take a dump? Also, we in Turd World countries like Nepal will never become a Singapore because there is no water in our flush tanks.While we must not underestimate the power of deterrence to instill good behaviour in citizens, we may also need to use positive reinforcement by rewarding those who do things right. Instead of taking money away from those who litter, maybe give money to those who don't. Prizes work better than penalties. For example:<ul><li>Cash prize of Rs 2,000 for the only pedestrian who actually used the overhead walkway at Jamal in the last fiscal year.</li> 	<li>The Honest Cop Award in Cash or Kind for police at the metal-free x-ray in Tribhuvan Intercontinental Ballistic Airport who refuses to ‘confiscate’ your whiskey.</li> 	<li>A cash bribe to the officer at the Land Transportation Office who turns down aback-sheesh to expedite your driving license.</li> 	<li>The columnist adhering to highest standard of personal hygiene by not grooming nostrils in full view of staff while writing above column.</li></ul>Read also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/awesome-stuff/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Awesome stuff</a>, Ass

Turning Nepal into Singapore

Ladies and gentlemen and dear customers, we will now take you away from our regular programming to some breaking news being streamed live on FB from the office of the Ministry of Aviation, Vermiculture and Marxism where Minister Ale has Managing Director Adhikari of Nepal Airlines in a firm jack-knife hold. The managing director tries to wriggle out by executing a reversal, and come to the top position. But can he do it, or can he not? The Minister is carrying out a below-the-belt move called the crotch-lift, and the World Wrestling Federation manual says this position can be employed by either contestant to execute holds with arms and legs, leading to front head-locks with amplitude. But just as he had Ale in an airplane spin before a double underhook half-nelson mat slam, the umpire disqualified Adhikari on a technicality. The crowd roars its disapproval, but the deed is done.Read Also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/first-the-good-news/">First, the good news</a>, BacksideAs you can see, to describe Nepal as having a vibrant and lively aviation sector would be a gross understatement. Even before last week’s entertainment courtesy the minister and airline chief, the Civil Aviation Authority of Nepal (CAN’T) had been at the forefront of trying to make things even more thrilling by ordering Fly-by-Night Airlines to serve airports without landing lights, ordering helicopters to have two pilots if they are carrying Very Very Important Politicians (VVIP), and make it mandatory for arriving international flights to overfly Nepal for one hour on a scenic aerial tour of the Himalaya before landing at Tribhuvan Intergalactic Airport.The good thing is that compared to chaotic airports all across Europe and the US today, our own domestic terminal in Kathmandu now meets international standards. Passengers can develop close interpersonal bonds with fellow human beings at the departure area in a spirit of sharing and accommodation, and even sit on each other’s laps for greater comfort. The single baggage conveyor in the arrival hall is so designed for passengers to manhandle each other as well as their luggage.Following the international trend, Nepal’s airlines are now also called ‘Budget’ carriers because after this year’s budget, taxes have gone up. This means further cuts in in-flight service. Elsewhere, airlines slash fares to attract more customers, in Nepal we believe in keeping fares high and slash seat covers.Nepal's no-budget airlines did away with meals long ago, then post-Covid they stopped serving water, got rid of barf bags, and now hungry passengers have resorted to eating the cotton wool meant to serve as ear plugs.At the rate aviation fuel keeps going up, airlines will soon get rid of seats to make planes lighter, and we will all have to strap hang on the 15 min Simara shuttle. Toilets will be converted to Royal Uneconomic Class where VVIP passengers can sit on the throne in their own private Q-bicle.By next fiscal year, Hawa Airlines plans to switch to gliders to eliminate fuel cost altogether, lessen cabin noise, and help Nepal attain its net-zero carbon target. <img width="315" height="855" src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221114121112/637222f39c7e80680e0c0325jpeg.jpg" alt=""/><img width="315" height="242" src="https://superdesk-pro-c.s3.amazonaws.com/sd-nepalitimes/20221114121112/637222f49c7e80680e0c0326jpeg.jpg" alt="">Read Also: <a href="https://www.nepalitimes.com/opinion/backside/domestic-frights/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Domestic frights</a>, Backside