Relocating Kathmandu

There is no question that Kathmandu has now become unliveable, and we need to think about moving. There is a proposal to relocate the capital so that we can make another part of the country unliveable.

Over the years, there have been various proposals about where to relocate. Chitwan was the most obvious choice, given its central location along the East-West Highway, and the possibility of having rhinos roaming the streets instead of cows.

Some geographers have proposed Pokhara as the new capital, since it now has an international airport. The only problem being that Pokhara’s urban chaos already resembles Kathmandu’s, and the capital may have to be moved again if we relocate it there.

Like Brasilia and Naypyitaw, Nepal could also find a completely new place and build another capital from scratch. We have made some preliminary inquiries, and it looks like the Khumbu Glacier may not be such a bad place. With the climate crisis, it will no longer be too cold up there, and Nepal can go into the Guinness Book as having the capital with the highest elevation in the world. (New tourism slogan: ‘Go To Nepal, Get High’)

There are other options:

• Since the people of the landfill site at Banchare Danda do not want Kathmandu’s trash and have refused our refuse, we can move Kathmandu to Banchare Danda. It is close by, and no one will notice because both places are already garbage dumps.
• One of Kathmandu’s problems is that we have run out of water. Instead of bringing water from Melamchi through an expensive tunnel that could be knocked out of action again, how about we move Kathmandu to Melamchi, right to the source of the water?
• Manang. Since the trans-Himalayan district is now a bastion of the ruling Nepali Congress, it makes perfect political sense to locate the capital in a place with friends in high places. Ministers commute by mule.
• Shifting Kathmandu to Kalapani would allow us to legitimise our claim to the East Bank of the Kali River, and we could also be so far from everything that no one will bother us anymore.
• Relocate Nepal's capital to New Delhi since everything's being decided there anyway.

If we do move Kathmandu away from Kathmandu, the question then arises what do we do with the Kathmandu we have? Good point. Luckily for you The Ass already has a clever plan: build a high dam at Chobhar and return Kathmandu Valley to what it was before Manjushree hastily cleft the mountain with his mighty sword without conducting a proper Environment Impact Assessment.

The reservoir thus formed would meet all of Nepal’s power needs, and have enough leftover to export to India. Just have to make sure we don’t involve any Chinese contractors.

This plan has other benefits: it would solve Kathmandu Metropolitan City’s problems of overcrowding, air pollution and garbage by completely submerging the city. We would also be solving the problem of government corruption because Singha Darbar would go underwater.